An ode to the cargo van

"area man" (hurrburgring) 09/19/2014 at 15:06 • Filed to: In Plain Sight

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There is a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , long disproved by men of science, that the bumblebee should not be able to fly. Proponents pointed to the obvious fact that a bee is large and its wings are relatively small; a straightforward (and shortsighted) calculation proves they can’t generate enough lift or beat their wings fast enough to take to the skies.

This is nonsense, of course. It just shows that smart people can be deliberately stupid and the complexities of nature cannot always be explained with a simple mathematical model. Bees fly proudly and with regularity, thanks to the the design of their muscles, shape of their wings and the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Lesson: there’s more than meets the compound eye.

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These pokey black and yellow creatures - no, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , although that analogy works well here too - were on my mind this week as I eased a 2013 Ford E150 (née Econoline) through an underground parking garage, scraping the roof on more than one hanging sign, the rumble of its 4.6L V8 filling both the empty van and the endless maze of concrete and steel with an all-encompassing mechanical thrum, the kind of sound you try (and fail) to conjure up when standing in a “reclaimed” industrial space waiting for a $7 cup of coffee. It felt rough, raw, American; as I passed the attendant’s booth, I lowered the window and hung my arm out like a badass. I’m sure he cared.

I didn’t expect a quick trip to pick up a Craigslist couch to turn into a mediation on old-school domestic utility vehicles, and I don’t expect everyone to understand why I enjoyed driving a large box so much, but here we are. Like the bee, we have a much-derided physical form that most enthusiasts wouldn’t think twice about ignoring. It’s ugly and lumbering and uncomfortable and practical - really, who cares? How is it possible to have fun with, let alone enjoy, a goddamn cargo van?

( !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! )

First of all, I maintain there is nothing like an old-school American V8 engine. Press the pedal and you can practically hear the different components working together in concert. There’s a slight delay in throttle response, just enough to give you a sense of the power traveling from the engine to the rear wheels without being annoying. I’ve already mentioned the sound is downright alluring in an enclosed space; on the street and under duress, the low roar escalates to a rolling thunder that’s just as effective as a horn at clearing space ahead. I was smiling the whole time and didn’t even bother with the radio. For some reason my girlfriend did not appreciate this as much as she should have, especially when I dimmed the dashboard so she couldn’t see the buttons.

( !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! )

Inside, the E-Series is about as simple as modern interiors get, which means it’s got everything you need and pretty much nothing you don’t. People often bemoan the complexity of modern cars - what happened to honest, workmanlike interiors? Well, jerks kept demanding backup cameras and cable TV and ball massagers and presto, these “boring” setups were relegated to places like cargo vans. Just two seats, some real gauges (and let’s take a minute to appreciate these), a simple little dot matrix screen, aircon/radio, storage, and a 20-year-old steering wheel. Yes, you can get an “infotainment” system, but why do you need to be infotained? Just use your phone for GPS like the rest of the world. I didn’t miss it, and I didn’t get lost.

Now, when it comes to driving dynamics, I’m not trying to convince you that if you just believe hard enough, Peter Pan-style, the E-Series will magically become a corner-carving van capable of stopping on a dime. There is no comparison between the E150, and, say, a BMW E30, nor should there be. That’s because if you look at the E150 for what it is, there is no denying it’s objectively fun (when empty!). Since it’s designed to be driven with a bunch of shit in the back, an empty E150 is quick to stop and start, and while it’s kind of jittery over bumps, it proves easily tossable. There’s body roll, but it’s not egregious. And of course, since it’s rear-wheel drive, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

( !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! )

In the end, I was a little sad to return the Econoline to its underground lair, something I did not expect on the outset of the trip. Part of this was pure nostalgia for a rougher time, which like most feelings of nostalgia is misguided and/or grounded in whitewashed fantasy. Part of this was the thought of having to now carry a couch up five flights of stairs. But part of it was also because I had gained a new appreciation for something I had never considered before, and I love how cars can do that to you. Like the humble bumblebee, it simply has its own way of taking flight.

( !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! )

Rainbow > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:09

2

Have you ever looked at one of these in your mirror and noticed how weird they look with the license plate on the other side?

FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:12

9

If I were to buy a new car right now it would probably be a GMC Savana short wheel base.

area man > Rainbow 09/19/2014 at 15:12

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No but I totally believe you

area man > FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 09/19/2014 at 15:13

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any particular reason?

boobytrapsandtreasure > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:19

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Two seats + V8 + RWD = Muscle car! You should have written Free Candy on the side in blue painters tape while you had it.

GhostZ > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:21

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The best way to make a Van fun is to paint a parody of a Rush album on the side.

Alfalfa > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:23

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I never thought I would actually want an E-series, until I read this. How did you do that?

area man > Alfalfa 09/19/2014 at 15:28

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Sorry, magician's secret!

 > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:31

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There is a reason Pedo Van and Bang Bus both use full size vans.

Alfalfa > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:32

5

I've always joked with my wife that if we ever need a van, we're going all the way and getting a 12-15 passenger, no wussy minivans. It's not a joke anymore.

FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:38

4

Well, I'm big on versatility and in the passenger configuration there are few vehicles more versatile in my opinion. you can get a 6.0L v8 and tow a big ass trailer. Easily move 8 friends around. The car is very modifiable - thinking 4x4 conversion down the line after warranty is up. And you cannot beat the price. all for about $30,000. Way less than an equivalent pickup plus IMO its a more useful all around vehicle.

Iwaswonderofwonders > FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 09/19/2014 at 15:54

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Free candy?

Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:54

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I bought a 2012 chevrolet express 3500 with dual AC, seating for 12, 10000lbs of towing capacity, 14,000 miles, 6.0L v8, 6 speed transmission, and keyless entry/power package for...

17,500 dollars. Compare to a similar capability pickup truck!

FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 > Iwaswonderofwonders 09/19/2014 at 15:56

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Should have specified passenger version...

AKnolly > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:56

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PLEASE delete this post immediately. As soon as my lease on my Fiesta ends in three months I'm pickling up an Econoline and I don't want people to know about how awesome cargo vans are, which will only drive up the prices.

Also I recently looked at the inside of a mid-length, mid-roof new Ford Transit. Good god. I would live in one of those things.

TurboS60 > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:56

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twotimeuse > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:58

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Dajiban time!

StevenG > area man 09/19/2014 at 15:58

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Needs "Free Candy" painted on the side.

Jerk Dently > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:00

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We use these for service vans at work, mainly the ones rated for heavy loads due to the weight of job boxes. Driving one does feel a lot more old school.

area man > FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 09/19/2014 at 16:01

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All excellent reasons, especially the potential 4x4 conversion. There are not enough 4x4 vans in the world.

area man > AKnolly 09/19/2014 at 16:03

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That was actually my first thought upon entering - "Hm, I can lay down and almost stand up. This seems doable..."

Although my brother actually lived in a van when he was working as a whitewater rafting guide for a couple summers. It's fun at first, but gets pretty groaty.

sumfoo1 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:03

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they will be awesome engine donors when they get the ecoboost motor and coyote motors... that's for sure...

but alas.. they're still rolling dirty with last gen mod motors.

The Devil Drives a Mustang (Rotary Pending) > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:05

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In a few years I should have the time and money to be able to AutoX and track my RX-7 in earnest. When I do, I really think that I want a cargo van. It seems perfect to me. It can tow an RX-7 and trailer handily, it has great cargo room if you remove all but the first two rows of seats, that cargo room is both private and lockable, and outside of trailering it can be used as a passenger vehicle. Plus, it doesn't suffer the sky high bed height of a modern full-size truck.

1337HPMustang > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:06

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I proposed ford make this cobrajet econoline and but apparently I'm "crazy" and such a car would be "pointless". What do they know anyway.

Turbolence1988 Loves Magic Turn Circles > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:06

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I must admit, I have a soft spot for any large cargo van (or, from my experiences, a 16-foot box truck) powered by an American V-8. I especially love it when the thing is fully-laden, right at the edge of its GVWR and you're questioning whether you're able to merge onto the freeway westbound pulling out of the city.

Getting to hear the sound of that V-8 rev up as it pulls the truck. Over. And Over. And Over. And over again. No hissy forced induction, no overbearing strain on a wimpy four-banger. Even with enough payload weight to sag the supports on the GW Bridge, the Clydesdale of an engine speaks up with authority and says "Woah, easy. I got this." It never got old and I loved every moment of it.

(Of course, when you're at the edge of your stressors and trying to work through something that fell apart a dozen times a day, the little things you get to enjoy, like a V-8's engine note, are the greatest.)

duurtlang > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:06

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Why this huge plastic contraption and not a bench? Even in modern European vans with a manual transmission there's a bench, allowing you take a second passenger with you.

area man > 1337HPMustang 09/19/2014 at 16:07

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I'm seeing a market in the dozens for these, easy. They don't know what they're talking about.

keviiinn! > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:07

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I rented an E-150 when I made my last move a few years ago. was pleasantly surprised by the power it had, despite the puny numbers, and the V8 rumble was awesome.

mycorvettebroke > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:08

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because Rapevan..?

1337HPMustang > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:08

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I know, right? Like say you gotta move stuff from one end of your dragstrip to the other really quickly. This would be the best way by a long shot.

Jim is one of KFCs secret ingredients > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:09

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When I ran a summer camp, one of our vehicles was an E150 passenger van, that, depending on the mission- either ran with all its seats, some of its seats, or none of its seats- they were a piece of cake to remove on the fly.

Since all the roads on Catalina Island outside the city are dirt, the van was outfitted with BFG A/T Tires. Sadly it was 2wd. But man, was it tossable and fun on those dirt roads, especially doing supply runs in to town on my own.

The van never had a ton of miles on it, but all the miles were hard. The experience with that van- as well as the F250 4x4 and F350 stakebed we had- really showed me the durability of Ford trucks and the amount of abuse they can take in a fleet run by 18-21 year olds with no dealership to be seen and maintenance done on the cheap.

area man > Turbolence1988 Loves Magic Turn Circles 09/19/2014 at 16:09

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Your version of the motor's dialogue is spot on. My girlfriend asked me repeatedly why I was revving it all the time, to which I responded with more revving.

area man > duurtlang 09/19/2014 at 16:11

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I agree that the lack of a bench is stupid, but also manual transmissions on the center console like that make me really uncomfortable for some reason. It's just weird-looking.

chrisbattle > AKnolly 09/19/2014 at 16:12

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I just purchased 27 of the new 148"WB Transits for my company. Ecoboost roasts tires....

FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 > Kit 'Haddy' Iwamatsu 09/19/2014 at 16:12

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Exactly why I want to get one! You also got one hell of deal, what was sticker?

CyborgAdaLovelace > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:12

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That's poetry, that is.

area man > Jim is one of KFCs secret ingredients 09/19/2014 at 16:13

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They're amazingly durable. I left out the part where I was returning it an accidentally drove over a full size curb that was sticking out just past a corner like a fucking land mine. It bounced, sighed - ah, you idiot - and continued on without a second thought.

SlabSheetrock > duurtlang 09/19/2014 at 16:13

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Two reasons:

1.) We're not European.

2.) The basic design for this van is older than dirt, and the investment required to make a third front row seat pass DOT safety standards isn't worth it.
Plus, the E Series is going away in the US market in favor of the Transit, so at this point it doesn't matter anyway.

Mostly to irk Europeans, though.

Turbo666 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:14

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Here is my ode.

area man > CyborgAdaLovelace 09/19/2014 at 16:14

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Thanks! I didn't expect to be moved to eloquence by this thing, but here we are.

Iwaswonderofwonders > FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 09/19/2014 at 16:15

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This is creepier than "free candy"

facw > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:15

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I rented an E250 cargo van for a ~3 hour move this spring and I was really impressed with how it drove. Felt solid and in control even at 85mph (something I can't really say for the Kia Forte I had rented to make the same trip previously) and seemed reasonable in turns and such. Much, much better than even a 10' U-Haul, which is surprising given that there's not a lot of size difference between them.

Probably good that we are getting the Transit vans though, I suspect there have been advancements in van technology over the past 30 years that we want.

chrisbattle > duurtlang 09/19/2014 at 16:18

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The Fiat Ducato (your bottom picture) is front wheel drive with a transverse mounted I4 whereas the E150 (I'm assuming because I can't see branding) is a front engine, longitudinal V6 or V8 and rear wheel drive. Gotta make room for the slush box

SaabLife, because Gripen > FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 09/19/2014 at 16:18

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area man > Turbo666 09/19/2014 at 16:18

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You're missing the song:

ICrackMeUp > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:19

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"There is no comparison between the E150, and, say, a BMW E30"

That's right there isn't! Have you ever seen a bumper sticker that says "When this E30's a rockin' don't come a knockin'"? Well have you? HAVE YOU??

imprezanoturbo > Turbolence1988 Loves Magic Turn Circles 09/19/2014 at 16:20

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This is why I love the 2000-2006 Suburbans. Need to transport 8 people AND pass 3 tractor trailers on a 2 lane? Eh, whatevs. Put your foot to the floor and enjoy dat sound! God I love a land barge with a V8.

NeedSSpeed > duurtlang 09/19/2014 at 16:20

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Because in America, two cup holders are more important than seating an extra person.....

njp1589 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:22

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I've always had this "dream" that someday I'll do a massive, year long cross country roadtrip in a cargo van with a motorcycle in the back (for the fun to drive bits).

On topic, I love your thoughts on simple interiors. I've always liked low rent interiors that provided exactly the functionality you need. I don't need flashy chrome bits or faux wood. Just give me something that's easy to use, is easy to clean, and will hold up to some abuse.

Dream Theater of the Absurd > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:23

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How is it possible to have fun with, let alone enjoy, a goddamn cargo van?

They can be a lot of fun when parked, if your date is good to go. :)

Titan-E34 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:25

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Do you own this van? Or rent it to pick up the couch?

flyingstitch > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:26

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I'm the youngest of 6 kids, so we were raised and also transported on a shoestring. At one point this included a '72 Dodge Sportsman van, which my father ordered with one option – a second bench seat to bring capacity to 8 passengers. Slant six, three on the tree, no radio, no A/C, all bare metal inside aft of the cab, except for the luscious vinyl seats. This was followed by a '75 Plymouth Voyager (yes, they made a twin to the Dodge full-sizers), on which Dad splurged for the automatic. I have just a little trouble developing a soft spot for these beasts.

duurtlang > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:28

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I drove one of these Fiat vans a few times around 2008. It had a 6 speed, not a 5 speed like this one, but that's not the point. You get used to that placement very quickly.

NeedSSpeed > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:29

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My parents still have a 99 Chevy Express 1500 conversion van. It fit the whole family and could haul our 16ft boat. Such a versatile vehicle. I even took my driving test in it when I was 16 and parallel parked it like a boss. It was the closest thing with a V8 and RWD that I could get my hands on at the time so I opted to drive it every chance I could. And yes they are fun to fish tail!

duurtlang > chrisbattle 09/19/2014 at 16:30

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It's like we're still in the 1970s...

Turbo666 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:30

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Ahhh, yes now this is complete!

journeymanbaiter > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:31

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I drive for my work (I'm self employed) a Chevrolet Express Access van with the Adrian Steel Contractor Package inside. I bought it brand new last year and it is my second van in the last 5 years. Before that, it was always a pickup truck for the previous 25 years. I will never go back to pickups after having a van, mainly because everything in the van doesn't get rained on, I don't have to unload it at night when I park it outside, everything inside is in the same place every day, etc. It doesn't corner for shit, but that's more because things aren't necessarily tied down all the time and I just don't enjoy picking up small fittings and parts all the time, so I don't do as much hooning as I'd like to, but I got a Volvo for that anyway. All in all, I highly recommend a cargo van.

KilgoreTrout53 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:31

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Why, oh why are almost all these babies V8s with slushboxes? I would give my right nut for a 6banger with a stick. My old man hauled tons of bread with a 6 cylinder International Step Van. Yes, you need torque, but HP? - I'll take the MPGs, thank you.

Not quite the same, but close - I had a Voyager (extended version - they didn't have "grand" yet) with a stick and that was one fun sumbitch. I could even lay 4x8 plywood down in that baby. I want a cargo van, badly, but....

webmonkees > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:31

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Dodge vans: all of this body style were made in 1979, no matter what it says on the VIN plate. That's my theory, anyway.

Friend has one of the "Church bus" variants.

Utterly reliable, but overlook a speed bump and wow

area man > webmonkees 09/19/2014 at 16:33

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Is that supposed to be amphibious?

Triborough > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:33

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For some reason the passenger version, which used to be called the Club Wagon, of the E-Series is quite popular for film crew transportation.

area man > KilgoreTrout53 09/19/2014 at 16:34

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If you've driven a stick Voyager you're one of the lucky ones, so treasure that memory.

DMCVegas > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:34

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Fun fact: If you remove the left License Plate Light, you can directly access the lock rod for the rear doors to open them if you forget your keys.

This is why most contractors use external clasps and padlocks on Ford Econolines.

webmonkees > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:34

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That would be silly. It's an applesauce maker.

duurtlang > NeedSSpeed 09/19/2014 at 16:35

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I think I posted an older dash. Two cup holders are present now.

edit: here it is in the RAM Promaster. From 3 to 2 seats and from 2 to 3 cup holders. And no more manual. Because USA.

area man > webmonkees 09/19/2014 at 16:35

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Ah, sorry. That's not silly at all.

Vander > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:37

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http://youtu.be/_ZnljTd6Qlg

MechE30 > twotimeuse 09/19/2014 at 16:39

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dajiban sounds like Dodge Van...

alan > FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 09/19/2014 at 16:40

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i wonder if they still offer AWD with the short wheel base

area man > Vander 09/19/2014 at 16:41

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DAT CHICANE

KillerBee > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:42

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How is it possible to have fun with, let alone enjoy, a goddamn cargo van?

Just ask your local registered sex offender.

Johnny Utah > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:42

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Needs more Camburg Engineering (and yes, in 2014 they still use the Twin I-Beam suspension):

FJ80WaitinForaLSV8 > alan 09/19/2014 at 16:44

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I don't think they do and anyways they only use to offer it with the 5.3. I'd want a solid axle up front if I went to 4x4 anyway so I'd rather do it custom.

Michael Zaite > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:44

2

I have my own Cargo van poem A haiku of sorts:

Big slab sided

No one can see us

Free Candy here!

Brickman > duurtlang 09/19/2014 at 16:44

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That's a lot of air vents.

area man > Johnny Utah 09/19/2014 at 16:44

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I want that. Every other conversion I've seen has either a bro-lift or bro-tires. That is just right. Damn.

Johnny Utah > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:49

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This is what you throw your dirt bike into and drive out to the Glamis dunes to do work with. I had an 89 F-150 about 6 years ago and my dream was to kit it out with some Camburg stuff. The least expensive kit for the 86-96 models was like $3k. They make serious, race-ready equipment. I still want to get a ratty Ranger with the I-Beam suspension to make into a crappy desert beater.

macanamera > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:49

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Ha, excellent write up, loved the style.

area man > macanamera 09/19/2014 at 16:51

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Thanks man!

TrivsTom > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:54

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It's cool and all, but vans really should be diesel.

area man > TrivsTom 09/19/2014 at 16:55

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Did you miss the part about the all-encompassing mechanical thrum? You don't get that in a diesel, you get a rattling tractor.

brzedr1 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:56

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Great write up, inspired me to make this:

BaconSandwich is tasty. > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:56

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I'm not sure, but it looks like it is from the Red Green Show.

Pending Approval > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:56

2

area man > brzedr1 09/19/2014 at 16:56

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haha love it

shop-teacher > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:56

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Preach it! Long live the cargo van!!

Jaco13 > area man 09/19/2014 at 16:58

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I work with one of those vans, we have an enormous amount of tools an material in the back, so in the winter time after a great snowfall, when I leave for work at 6:30 in the morning I can drift it all the way out of the neighborhood. I can hold a drift in it like Clarkson, and I'm no special driver. Either way I get that they can be fun as hell!

Wagons-Midwest > Iwaswonderofwonders 09/19/2014 at 17:02

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No, speakers. Sell 'em cheap.

Deathocracy > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:06

2

For some reason I just love the Ford E series. Its just so practical! If I already didn't have my heart set on one day getting a nice 1970 Chevelle I would focus on getting a first gen Econoline with the camper top and just cruise the USA in that thing.

Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:08

2

i'll just drop this off here

Okie-in-TX CTS-V Wagon > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:18

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My family had the full conversion setup in a Chevy van when I was growing up. It was a great vehicle. Later I had a job where I drove an Econoline cargo van every day. While I prefer a GM product, I do admit that when the econoliner was not loaded up it was a barrel of fun to drive around Houston. That thing would haul ass!

thebullfrog > duurtlang 09/19/2014 at 17:25

1

Because underneath that "plastic contraption" is the ass-end of the engine and the transmission. There isn't room for a bench. It's called a dog house, and on many vans it comes out to allow engine access.

twotimeuse > MechE30 09/19/2014 at 17:26

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That's actually exactly where the word comes from! Check it out:

http://hooniverse.com/2010/02/24/jap…

FCV-8311 > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:26

2

I will definitely miss the Econoline when the Transit inevitably replaces its non-cutaway versions. There's something infinitely appealing about the sheer ruggedness and simplicity of cargo/passenger full-sized vans, that's for sure. At least we'll still have the Express and Savana for now!

Straight6PackRacing > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:26

1

Learned to driver on the family econoline. With 6 kids, we were not suburban type people. Had both the 5.4 and 4.6 over different van iterations.

Got nostalgic reading this. The throttle delay is the thing that is forever chiseled in my mind. Thanks for returning good memories.

MaWeiTao > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:28

2

I hate these things. I can appreciate utility, but these things strike me as lazy engineering and design. American automakers churned these things out for decades with minimal improvements because they had no competition. They could have built a better van, but couldn't be bothered until foreign competitors started showing up with more innovative alternatives.

blundelltov > area man 09/19/2014 at 17:29

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

area man > Straight6PackRacing 09/19/2014 at 17:29

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My pleasure!

Landryschicken > Iwaswonderofwonders 09/19/2014 at 17:31

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Hasn't the van been de-stigmatized? I'm told the child predators are all online now.

area man > MaWeiTao 09/19/2014 at 17:32

2

My feeling is that the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" ethos is very appealing to the target market for cargo and fleet vans - I have no problem with it, especially when it results in time-capsule models like this. I'm with you on the engineering laziness, but I personally find it very comforting to look at the back end of a 2013 van pretend you're back in the mid-90s. Hate the last-gen front end tho.